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It finally hit me last night that I'm not going home anytime soon. Don't get me wrong, it had aways been there, lurking in the back of my mind through the whole house-buying process. But it never really smacked me upside the head until last night. And with it, a lot of things surfaced that I didn't even know were upsetting me.

I cannot complain about my life. I have it good, there's no doubt about that. I do not believe that I am spoiled because I am both hard-working and grateful. But lately I've felt less and less like myself and more like who everyone else "thinks" I should be.

I wasn't opposed to moving to Vegas, but it wasn't quite my idea. If it weren't for my mother, I could still be taking useless classes at Fullerton College. I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to do (though I remember being quite fond of Criminal Justice; we all see where that manifested itself) when she suggested UNLV and their hotel program. It sounded right since I was working in hotels, but I never remember being passionate about it. I'm actually glad that I followed her advice because it finally pointed me in a direction towards graduation. And without my mom, there would have been no college! Once I was enrolled, well, of course I had to finish. I didn't enjoy college, I tried, I really did, but I just didn't have that whole experience. I am, however, fiercely proud of my degree.

I made a mistake last year, and I regret it. I left a good job where people respected me for an opportunity that looked great but wasn't. I couldn't correct the situation but I could sure as hell get out of it, and I did. And I paid for it with a very rough 2005.

Now I'm in a job where I can once again excel, but I also feel like I've taken a few steps backward. In taking this position to gain some stability, I took a step down, which I didn't think I would mind because the pay was nearly the same. But I had no idea the autonomy and responsibility to which I had become accustomed. Thrust into a world where I needed to be clocked in and out and had to check with people before making the smallest decisions, I definitely had second thoughts.

I've settled in now and enjoy my office and truly respect the people I work with. But if there's one ugly truth that has come to light, it's that I don't want my career to be in events. Considering the concentration of my degree (Entertainment & Events Management), I'd say that's not good. The trouble is, I'm not sure what it is I do want to do.

My plan was always to go home after college and try and get back into Disney. 300 miles away, that doesn't seem likely. Maybe I'll be one of those people whose career finds them. But why do I feel like mine is stuck looking for me in Anaheim?

JDM